Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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