now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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