nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
