No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
