No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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