Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
