I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
