I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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