Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
