I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
