I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
