1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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