A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
