I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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