So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize