Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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