I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have aggressive nipples.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
