Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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