just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
