you have to choose: penises or morals?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
