I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
