he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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