It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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