Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
