so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
