1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
