I wish my penis had an off switch
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I came so hard my ears popped.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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