Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I touched a dick in church today
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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