I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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