And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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