Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
