one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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