mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm really into asian looking animals
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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