my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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