In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
