When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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