I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You took a bar mat shot.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
