see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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