Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I forget how to act sober
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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