i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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