were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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