i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The uberlube is also flammable
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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