How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
