I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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