I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
