Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
