I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
