he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
