And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
