Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
