I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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