hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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