She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
