you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
