Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
