So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
