I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
