it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
