ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
