bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
