wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
