It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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