I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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